Gaming,  Writing

Aruku Adventures Compilation [Everquest 2 Fanfiction/In-Game Books]

Everquest 2 is hard to play today. It’s got so many abilities. I logged onto it for the first time in years, and that time was just a short couple of month stint before the years before that. My highest level characters are only level 100 over a level cap of 120. My Defiler (a type of healer that casts “wards” that deflect damage and also debuffs enemies) has just shy of 60 items on his hotbars. That’s 6 hotbars. I can’t make this up.

In fairness, I guess there were some changes in the game that removed some abilities, and so there are a couple of empty spaces. Also, some of these items aren’t super necessary. Still though.

That said, I put a lot of time into the game. I’ve got two really nice houses I’m rather proud of. And I have a collection of fan fiction based around another player of a guild I used to be in.

In this game, players who take the “Sage” crafting profession can make books, and then write stuff in those books. Most people use this to write information for their guild halls, like rules and the like, and then anyone can read them. I, however wrote a couple of really stupid but also really funny (in a dumb way) short stories about another player. His name was Aruku, he was a Swashbuckler, and in our free company he was the only other Fae I partied with (as my two mains were a Fae Berserker and a Human Defiler).

It’s been so long I can’t remember what inspired me to write these, but it looks like over the years all of the books I’ve put up on the auction house have actually sold to individual collectors… which is kind of amusing, because I wasn’t selling them for cheap. Then again, with inflation as it is, maybe they are sold for cheap now.

I’ve decided that I’m going to take those stories out and share them here. I have four of them (and I’m reasonably sure there’s a fifth one… somewhere?) Each one has some running gags, as well to references to actual in-game content. Many of these have spelling and grammatical errors, likely more an issue with the interface for writing the books in game; the decision was made to present them here in their original unedited form. This includes the fake editor’s notes. I apologize for nothing. There are some annotations which will explain a couple of gags, and links to relevant NPCs as I can find them.

Sadly, the player of the character looks to have moved on almost a decade ago. Aruku, if you’re still out there, here is to you old friend. Also, I need to see if Safe Haven is still around, they’re some damn fine people.

Aruku Adventures – Chapter 1: Scorn and Shame

Editor’s Note: This story was repossessed along with a number of other scrolls and books to pay for a debt accrued by its author to pay for his food and drink bills while adventuring. It is presented, as found, word for word, without edits.

Aruku was swashbuckling by himself in the Crypt of Betrayal when he slipped on some rat dung. Drat! Aruku exclaimed. “If only us Fey could actually fly, avoiding such things would be a trivial matter. CURSE YOU GRAVITY!” As he pulled himself up he found a crumpled up note. “As an adventurer, it is my duty to read each piece of literature that comes my way! Never know when some out of the way trash will actually lead to treasure!”

“This item appears to be broken. You may wish to hold on to this item until it is repaired.”

-Sullied illegible note

“Why would I want to fix a broken note,” Aruku questioned out loud, “and how can I tell what it says if it is illegible? No matter. It’s adventure time!” Aruku imagined what sort of item this paper would repair itself into. A scroll? A weapon? A weapon made out of a scroll? As he wondered, he came across a skeleton that was more dead than the others. “Hello friend skeleton!” Aruku hailed. Suddenly, a skeleton on fire appeared ready to attack!

“I am Irisor the Insane! You are talking to my girlfriend, and I do not appreciate that! I am going to slay you now!” the skeleton yelled, despite not having any vocal chords and therefore being in an ill position to talk.

Aruku made quick work of the skeleton. Despite it being level 29, heroic, and having three arrows up, Aruku had trained with the legendary swashbuckler Carson McCabe. A womanizer and a skillfull sword-fae, Aruku made short work of dying a dozen times before finally getting his guildmates to help him slay the annoying named mob.

Searching the corpse lead Aruku to a well-oiled cloth! Found inside was an old blade, sharp as ever but missing the hilt. “I’ll bet I can sell this for some money! I’d use it myself, but I am not a weaponsmith. I am a provisioner, and blades are not food, no matter what the Trolls say.”

After looking carefully at the rantings and scribblings of an obvious madman, Aruku came to the conclusion that the second blade within the Windstalker Village in Antonica. This was an amzing feat, as Aruku had never heard of this village before. But off he went, fluttering as fast as his little wings would carry him. Soon, here was there, and had found an old burial ground. From out of no where, Irisor the Insane appeared!

“You may have caught me off guard last time, but this time I have trained long and hard for this day. I am going to slap you around like a Halfling thief at an all you can slap Halfling buffet!” the scary skeleton screamed.

“Holy smokes you’re on fire how are you able to attack me?!” said Aruku as he fought the creature, finally besting it in battle.

Aruku found the second blade, and was uncertain why it was hidden where it was or how the strange skeleton kept popping up after him. More than that, he wondered where his next cup of coffee would come from. Indeed, it had been at least an hour since his last cup of delicious, savory mud. It was time to put an end to this dry spell!

Aruku found himself at the bar in Windstaker Village. There a villager struck up a conversation.

“What brings a fae like you into a place like this?”

“Coffee!” Aruku exclaimed.

“Are you sure? You look like one of those adventurer types. The type that cause trouble.”

“I’m fairly sure. I’m just a provisioner, nothing more.”

“Good. Because if you were after the blades of the legendary rogue Irisor, I would have to tell you to turn around. Only sadness follows that route. And definately stay away from the rocks in Thundering Steppes that the giants guard. No need for you to go there at all.”

“Boy you sure are stupid, villeger!” Aruku laughed brazanly out loud.

In the Thundering Steppes, Aruku found a place surrounded by giants. In the middle of that place was a rock formation. “Ah ha! I have you now, handles!” he exclaimed.

“Not so fast!”

“Oh hey, it’s that idiot villager who told me to come out here. Oh hey, why are you on fire?”

“No reason.”

“And why are you nothing but bones?”

“The diet is working I guess?”

“Irisor the Insane?”

“Fine, you got me. Now time to die.”

Aruku knew what he had to do. So he pulled out his pistol and shot Irisor in the head.

“Fool! I am a skeleton! Firearms do not harm me!”

“They do if they are made of silver!” Aruku exclaimed.

“Nooooooo I’ll get you next time Aruku. NEEEXT TIIIIIIME.”

Having found the handles, Aruku realized all he was missing now was the crossguards and markings. He double checked the illegible note and realized he had to go to the Ruins of Varsoon!

“Oh noes,” Aruku gasped.

Aruku searched for what felt like an eternity times two looking for the crossguards and markings of the blades. Finally, he got tired of it and decided to grab a wine bottle from a wine wrack. As he did so, who should appear but Irisor the Insane!”

“Confound it, Irisor, why do you keep coming back from the dead!” Aruku angrily exclaimed.

“Why do you keep coming back every time you die? It’s called respawning. Duh. Sheeesh.”

“. . . fair enough.” Aruku stated. Then he shot Irisor in the head again.

“I’ll get you next time Aruku!” Irisor angrily yelled.

Aruku was sad to discover that the bottle of wine was empty, but noticed that behind the bottle was the items he was looking for! He quickly slapped the blades together, and…

they were absolutely terrible. The stats were terrible. The damage was terrible. The look was beyond generic. Scorn and Shame truly lived up to their name – anyone who used them would be looked upon with scorn and shame.

“Well this was a waste of time! Oh well. I will NPC these blades for a nice penny, and then buy me some coffee!”

And then he danced. In another plane of existance, Irisor cried, because he had no weapons anymore.

* * *

Aruku Adventures – Chapter 2: Not Naming Names

Editor’s Note: This story was repossessed along with a number of other scrolls and books to pay for a debt accrued by its author to pay for his food and drink bills while adventuring. It is presented, as found, word for word, without edits.

“In conjunction with the Stormhold Tourism Association, welcome to… The Dating Game!”

Aruku the Swashbuckler had no idea what he had gotten himself into. He had just wanted to slay some undead, because undead have the best treasure and also they make the second best noises when set on fire, after kobolds.

“I am your host, Sir Valinayle. Today, one lucky bachelor will be given the chance to ask three beautiful ladies a variety of questions to determine which is the best pick for him!”

When Aruku had stumbled across the ghost that called itself Sir Valinayle, it had promised him treasure and adventure. This was not what he had imagined.

“Now folks, you can see who are three wonderful ladies are, but please, no spoiling the fun. Now let’s meet our bachelor. Bachelor, introduce yourself to our audience!”

“There… is no audience,” Aruku pointed out.

“The people at home don’t know that,” Sir Valinayle responded.

“Alright… well, I’m a fae swashbuckler with a taste for good food and fine times! I also love everybody. Except skeletons. And kobolds. And Iksar. And-”

“Woah, hey now!” Sir Valinayle interrupted jovially. “We don’t want to upset any of our sponsors. So tell us, when you’re not adventuring, what do you to in your spare time?”

“I have a little acorn I decorate, a lot of cats I take care of, and a passion for baking. My guildmates are always begging me for food!”

“Alright! Well Aruku, it is time for you to ask some questions, are you ready?”

Aruku took a sip of his coffee, and took the cards with the questions on them from Sir Valinayle. He stared at them blankly. “I can’t read these.”

“What do you mean? Who can’t read Thexian?”[1]

“Who can?” However, Aruku knew that the answers to all of the problems in this game were simple. He dropped the cards on the floor and shot them with his gun. Magically, they were now written in common. Also, they now had a hole in all of them.

“OK, question number one. It’s our first date. I knock on your door. How do you greet me?”

Lady #1 spoke in a husked, yet dignified, voice. “First off, I’d have one of my children greet you. My sons are such charming gentlemen, always taking care of their mother. I’m sure they’d have no problem sizing you up and, if you were worthy, making you feel at home. My sons are all famous explorers, you know! You might have even heard of them! As for how I would greet As for how I would greet you, assuming you weren’t a threat and I didn’t feel the need to strike you dead, I’d probably wear my usual. Nothing too fancy, dear.”

“Well, that’s a reasonable answer,” Aruku stated. “And hones-”


“Wow, it sure seems like bachelorette #1 has a passionate fury!” Sir Valinayle chuckled to himself. “Bachelorette #2?”

“Oh, Im sure we could find something to do together!” Lady #2 sounded eerily familiar, yet with a faux high pitched voice that sounded just feminine enough. “Perhaps you could light my inner fire, if you know what I mean?”

“I honestly don’t,” Aruku deadpanned. “Bachelorette #3?”

“I would make sure your every desire was met. We would go adventuring together, and have a fun filled day of slaying skeletons and kobolds. Afterwords, we could eat jumjum pie and I could tease your blue hair.” This third contestant sounded exceptionally alluring, but her voice came off as a little dry.

“Wow, it’s almost as if she knows you!” Sir Valinayle continued to chuckle.

“Alright then, question number two.” Aruku started reading a card, but then tossed it and went for another. “It’s my birthday, and you want to get me the perfect gift. What would that gift be?”

“I might give you some rat fur lined boots, or a steel kris polished to perfection.”

“That’s an unusual choice, #1, but sounds well tho-”


“Ok then,” Aruku ducked. “Moving on…”

“I would get you a nice bottle of wine. Something nice, and simple, with a vintage of several hundred years ago.”

“That would be delightful, #2!” Aruku declared.

“And then afterwords I’d slay you and take my revenge!”

“. . . what.” Aruku was dumbfounded.

“Don’t listen to them, sweatheart, they don’t know what a hunk like you really needs. I’d give you myself. Tied up in a ribbon. And you could do ANYTHING you want with me.”

“That’s very racy!” Sir Valinayle responded. “Let’s ask one more question, and then it will be time to choose!”

“Very well,” Aruku said. “My final question is this: your house is on fire. What do you grab as you run out?”


“I would grab my two swords… oh wait, no I wouldn’t, because THEY WERE STOLEN FROM ME!” Bachelorette #2 did not sound very happy.

“Honey, when we’re together, every night our passion will be so hot it’ll be as if our house is burning down. And I’ll just grab you. Forever.”

“So, Aruku, have you made your decision?”

“I think so. Bachelorette #3 just sounds too delicious to pass up!”

“Alright, let’s meet the ones you didn’t pick.

Bachelorette #1: Ayamia the Rat Queen!

“It’s okay, I don’t need you!” the Erudite ghost sobbed. “My children will keep me happy.”

“Bachelorette #2: Irisor the Insane!”


“And now, to meet the girl you have chosen, the promised treasure… Bachelorette #3!”

Aruku blinked, confused. “I don’t understand.”

“This is the Tome of Deceit!” Sir Valinayle nodded sagely.

“Don’t look so down!” the book stated. “You can’t judge me by my cover! We’re going to have a wonderful future together!”

And then they did.


* * *

Aruku Adventures – Chapter 3: Aruku the Provisioner

Editor’s Note: The Dark Bargainers are pleased to bring you this book, acquired from the hands of a bankrupt Defiler to cover his debts. Very few changes have been made.[2]

“I am Aruku, Dark Knight of the Queen Cristanos!” exclaimed Aruku, as he paused from slaughtering Halflings from Qeynos to make a prayer to her Majesty.

“And I am her devout follower, Ethruia Aj’dora!” exclaimed the Book of Deceit, cleverly disguised as a named succubus.

“We should express our love for our wonderful queen by going on a picnic!” stated Aruku, his Arasai wings glinting evilly in the moonlight.

“Agreed!” stated the tome, “but what foods shall we bring?”

“You’re a book,” barked Aruku, “you don’t need to eat.”

The Tome of Deceit was a sad, sad lamia.

Suddenly, their good pal Godking Anuk strolled by.

“Why if it isn’t Godking Anuk! Why are you here, and not in the Silent City?”

“Well no one takes me seriously anymore,” sighed the Godking. “Once upon a time, people jumped through quest upon quest for the chance to fight me. But now, they’ve gone on to other content, and the quests to get to me are seen as so arbitrary that few do them. So I thought I would come out here, clear my head, and decide what my next step in life would be.”

“You should join us for a picnic!” exclaimed the Book of Deceit.

“But what sort of food will you have?” asked the Godking.

Aruku thought long and hard. “What sort of food would be enjoyed by a book, Queen Cristanos, and the Godking Anuk?”

“This sounds like an adventure!” stated the Tome of Deceit. “Let’s travel the world, looking for answers!”

First the trio travelled to the nefarious city of good and cleanliness, Qeynos. This city was best known for its queen, who is a deceitful whore who is only allowed to live because the best queen (Queen Cristanos) allows it to be so. There, the group polled those they came across for what sort of food they should have.

Immediately, the answers started conflicting. Some recommended food made specifically for class and levels. Others felt that duration of the meal was important. Others still made it clear that price per effectiveness was more important than the best food which would be hard on a modest budget.

Next, the trio travelled to Gorowyn, which is a god-forsaken place with a volcano waiting to blow. The dragon-lizard race, the Sarnak, made it very clear that any food as good food so long as it was made with Aviak meat. They were working long and hard on a new drink made of Aviak blood, but so far had no luck.

From there, the trio travelled to Freeport. They had to make a hasty retreat, however, as the Freeport Militia seized upon the opportunity to slay the Godking Anuk. The Coat of the Forbidden Lyricist dropped, which saddened the militia because it was a no-trade item and there were no dirges or troubadours amongst them to give it to. There was much complaining about the drops as Aruku and the Tome of Deceit snuck away. Godking Anuk swore revenge, and cursed the citizens of Freeport to terrible drops for the rest of their adventuring lives.

Finally, the duo found themselves back in Neriak, the city of hate. They decided to ask the queen herself. “Oh great and wonderous Queen Cristanos, who has created the world in her image and the beauty of which makes Erollisi Marr look like a decrepit cow… what sort of food shall we make in your honor?”

Queen Cristanos thought about this for a short moment, before answering: “Halfling Pie.”

Thousands of Halflings were slaughtered and Aruku slaved long into the night to create the perfect feast, consisting of Halfling pie and Halfling blood wine. It tasted delicious.

* * *

Aruku Adventures – Chapter 4: Varsoon’s Gun

Editor’s Note: Finally out of debt, and out of the thumb of the Dark Bargainers. I won’t complain; they know how to turn a shiny profit. However, their editing, nay, “adaptation” of my work was cruel and unjust and I wouldn’t stand for it.

If you see these books on the broker and you think that 25 gold is too much, consider this: I could have listed them for a 25 platinum pieces. But I didn’t.

A common complaint has been that Swashbucklers can’t use guns, and adventurers in general can’t get their hands on this long-lost gnomish technology. Therefore, how can Aruku have one? Are these biographies simple lies, I am asked? The answer, my dear readers, is how dare you question me. However, as I am a merciful writer, I have decided to share with you the tale of how Aruku got his gun.

Aruku the Swashbuckler and Murryha the Fury[3] had been recruited by Chronomages to investigate surges in the fabric of time. Portals were opening up all over the world, and brave adventurers were doing their part to go back in time and investigate.

“I am ready to kill some things and see if they respawn!” stated Aruku, enthusiasticly.

“I am a cat, meow,” said Murryha.

The first portal they discovered sent them back in time several hundred years to Qeynos Hills. There, they met a variety of tough gnolls awaiting the chance to do battle.

“We’re gnolls! We’re gnolls!” stated the gnolls in unison as they ran at the two noble adventurers.

“We’re gonna kill you! We’re gonna kill you!” chanted Aruku back.

“We’re dead! We’re dead!” cried the slain gnolls.

Then the duo came face to face with the legendary Fippy Darkpaw!

“What the hell, you’re not the gate to Qeynos. How am I going to take you on?” exclaimed Fippy.

“Dunno, lol,” laughed Aruku as he stabbed Fippy again and again.

“That was as easy as I am a cat, meow,” stated Murryha. “On to the next portal?”

The next portal they decided to enter was in the Qeynos Ruins. Aruku and Murryha found lots of undead, waiting to be slain.
“OMG help me Murryha,” Aruku cried out. “I didn’t know that bears aggro to arrows!”[4]

Murryha deftly defeated the bear. “I am not just a cat, but a Fury, you see” he stated meowingly.

“I am Holly Windstalker,” a wandering female introduced herself. “You should know that the skeletons in these ruins are controlled by a powerful necromancer. You may slaw all the undead you want, but do not…”

“Do not what?” asked Aruku impatiently.

“Did you just kill a bear?” Holly Windstalker asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. Yes I did. It turns out that bears aggro to arrows.”

Aruku and Murryha were quickly slain. Holly Windstalker really hates it when adventurers kill animals, apparently.

Not ones to give up on a chance for adventure, the team grabbed a fellow fae by the name of Ciupaga[5] and decided to try one of the harder portals. Ciupaga was a berserker and was well known as being infinitely sexier than Aruku, but arguably dumber because he had trained in the profession of a Weaponsmith. Together, the threesome tackled the Ocean of Tears.

“So how do we go about this fight?” asked Ciupaga.

“We kill stuff, and watch it respawn,” answered Aruku.

Many creatures and wildlife were slain, and a few trees were caught in the rampage as well. The creatures were no match for the overuse of Area of Effect attacks, stuns, and the natural ability of a Kerran Fury. Aruku the Swashbuckler helped too, allegedly.

Suddenly, a gigantic dinosaur appeared!

“Rawr. I am an Allizewasaur,” stated the dinosaur. “I am a friendly creature who prefers to eat plants, but everyone thinks I am scary looking. I am no threat to you adventurers.”

“Is that so?” asked Aruku.

“Yes,” stated Allizewasaur.

“So you aren’t aggressive against the arrows of adventurers?”

“Of course I am,” stated the Allizewasaur, “because that is an attack and- OUCH! That hurt! That really hurt!”

And then the dinosaur tried to eat the two but neither fae or kerran are plants so this plan failed miserably.

“I have time for one more portal,” stated Aruku. “Where shall we go?”

“Let’s go to the portal in the Ruins of Varsoon!” Ciupaga suggested.

“There is no portal there, meow, as sure as I am a cat.”

But the trio went there anyways and there was a portal there!

“Oh boy I cannot wait to find out what sort of creature is here!” Aruku was estatic.

“I am Varsoon, the Undying,” stated an ancient mage. “I am a mage of great skill and power.”

“There’s no way we can defeat him!” a shocked Ciupaga exclaimed. “He’s too powerful!”

“Hey Varsoon, I have a question for you. Can you slay a bear?” Aruku asked.

“I could slay all the bears. I am Varsoon the Undying; bears are no match for me!”

“What the hell did you just say?” an angry Holly Windstocker demanded.

“Uh… Holly… I did not see you there…”

“Varsoon could not flee quickly enough.”

Amongst the loot he dropped, the party found Chronomaster’s Greater Augmentation of Sexytimes, a Portal Master’s Prince Albert, and a gnomish handgun that could fire a silver bullet once per episode of Aruku’s adventures.

All agreed that this loot was god awful, but at least the adventure was fun. The past was made a better place, in no small part because of the actions of Aruku the Swashbuckler and Murryha the Kerran Fury.

* * *


[1] Thexian is the language of the Dark Elves, and originally requires a quest chain to unlock the primer. Later, the primer became available to purchase. These books were all originally written, in the game, in Thexian, making them difficult to read to the novice player.

[2] It should be clear from the context that the Dark Bargainers, the Freeport trade organization, has clearly taken significant liberties with the contents of the book.

[3] This Chapter name-drops several members of the Safe Haven guild on Antonia Bayle server. Murryha was the cat-like Kerra.

[4] This was an actual thing he said when he “accidentally” attacked something with ranged once.

[5] My berserker! We’re a tank class, supposedly.

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